


I need you to hate me

by Insomia_Magica



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bottom Harry Potter, Child Abuse, Cigarettes, Drama & Romance, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter Being an Asshole, M/M, Remus Lupin Bashing, Ron Weasley Bashing, Sirius Black Bashing, Slow Burn, Smoking, Top Severus Snape, Virgin Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27136522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insomia_Magica/pseuds/Insomia_Magica
Summary: Harry collides with reality. His childhood is officially gone. The wizarding world is not as beautiful as he imagined when he was eleven. This story is about coming out, hard choices and a little bit of love.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 14
Kudos: 82





	1. The boy who brings death

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story in English. I had a hard time to start writing it because I was unsure if my skills are good enough. But thankfully my amazing and kind beta Ladyontheavenue helped me A LOT. Thank you so much. <3 
> 
> I will try to update regularly, chapter 2 is almost finished. ^^ Any feedback is welcome!

Chapter 1 - Harry Potter - The boy who brings death

The life of Severus Snape was more miserable than anyone could imagine. He never felt loved. For as long as he could remember, his father would beat and laugh at him. Eileen Prince-Snape had commited suicide because she couldn't live with such hateful and abusive husband. When Severus was 11 he went to Hogwarts, but it wasn't how he expected it to be. He was not interesting or rich enough to establish any new friendship which might have helped repair his broken self esteem. When he was 13 he started to read about dark magic and the darkness affected his whole life and things took a turn for the worst. He started to imagine other students' death, creating new painful spells and isolated himself completely from peers. Severus ended up in many detentions but no one cared because Horace Slughorn, his Head of House, was lazy and his father prefered to spend days drinking. In the summer he was forced to go back to his "home". His father forced him to help with cleaning, cooking and repairing things. There was never enough money to spend on frivolous things like day trips or traveling, besides that would require Severus and his father to spend more time together, something neither of them were interested in. That’s why all Severus saw for the first 17 years of his life was Cokeworth, King’s Cross station, Hogsmeade and Hogwarts.  
Severus' clothes were worn out, old and ugly. He tried to keep them at least clean to save his Slytherin pride. He was very ashamed of his looks especially since his House loved to criticize everything and everyone. Severus criticized himself too, looking with disgust in the mirror, hating everything about his face, nose and body. He was horribly thin, pale and hairless excluding the light bush of black curls around his crotch when he started to grow up. He had a long face with a big, crooked nose and it made him look older than he was. Severus refused to cut his hair short which helped to hide from people's mocking looks and pity in the teacher's eyes. His hair was the only thing that made him feel safe. He was growing very fast so hiding in the crowd was getting difficult especially with Marauders and their bullying over many years at Hogwarts. Severus was not sure if he prefered them or his father. The only bright point in these times was his first and only friend - Lily Evans. The redhead girl comforted and protected him, much to his annoyance because the last thing he wanted to show other students was his weakness. But even this friendship ended because of his stupidity.  
When he finished school he received an invitation to join the death eaters. They were the only ones who showed interest in his abilities, especially potions skills. He loved feeling important and powerful so he shared with the Dark Lord and his inner circle every spell and potion he invented.   
Severus read books everyday since it was his only hobby and a way to relax from his magical projects. When he was reading he was not thinking about the next day or how utterly sad his life was. The months passed and he was lost in this horrible death eater routine full of pain and hate. As Severus became more entrenched with the Death Eaters he became privy to the plans of the inner circle. Voldemort needed a mole inside Hogwarts and instructed him to apply for one of the open positions at Hogwarts. It was chance that he happened to overhear another's interview with Dumbledore. The comments he heard would change his life forever. Earnest to insert himself farther into Voldemort's services, he quickly informed his master of his discovery. Severus never imagined the prophecy would point Voldemort to his only childhood friend. When he heard that Lily's life was in danger he didn't think twice. She was the only person in this world who really cared about him, at least until he called her the "m" word. She was the only one who was holding him on the light side, keeping him safe from dark magic and an ugly future. The moment Severus held her dead body in his arms, weeping like a baby, was the moment he promised to himself that he would stay on the light side no matter what. He would trust in Dumbledore and Dumbledore's words and sacrifice his life for this cause.

You can say that Severus Snape's life was full of pain and mysteries so dark that even some death eaters would run in panic. But there was one little secret that Snape protected at all costs. He was a virgin. He never had sex, he actually was never kissed by anyone. Excluding that one embarrassing situation where he attempted to meet the lips of a chubby Ravenclaw two years his senior, it was a big mistake... The boy jumped back totally terrified and the next day everyone knew that "Snape is a faggot". Potter and Black’s bullying intensified and all professors were pretending they did not see it, even when they heard every painful word that was spat at him. Finding someone interested in Severus after this drama was practically impossible. No one wanted to hang out with poor, ugly queer boy.  
After Hogwarts he didn't have time for dates or even prostitutes. He started his work for the Dark Lord, sitting in dungeons and brewing potions. When his teenage years passed he started to accept the fact that he is not going to experience a real romance. Things became more complicated, leading a double life as both spy and mole, focusing all his time on protecting the son of his dead friend.

He believed that guarding Lily's child was his redemption and punishment at the same time. When he finished his thirty first year of life he was still the youngest teacher at Hogwarts. He enjoyed being known as the students' worst nightmare. Severus’ guilty pleasure in terrifying children was doubled when he found Harry Potter in a small crowd of first years. He tried to ignore the intense green eyes and focus on the James Potter look that was created with Harry's round glasses and messy black hair. This was the day Severus felt he began his third role, that of the goddamn bodyguard of the Boy Who Lived.

Now, after 5 years of saving this little, ungrateful child’s ass there he sat, in the dungeons, smoking another cigarette and thinking about every chance he missed to make his life more enjoyable. Thick smoke was drifting away, taking all his worry and regret up in the air. He was like this dark smoke - people see it but they pretend it doesn’t bother them. Still they do everything to avoid it. He sighed and looked at the clock. 6:30, time to get up and meet another year.   
Corridor was empty and quiet, just like he liked. He slowed down to enjoy this a little longer. The closer he was to the Great Hall the more louder it became. Kids. His lips twitched when he opened the door for teachers and swept to his chair. First ten minutes were always the worst. He wanted to grab a smoke from his pocket and relax. Or just leave this room and hide again. So many eyes were on him. Lots of first year students were looking at him with fear, chatting quietly. Probably asking who this ugly, scary man is. He tried to look coldly and confident. “I will not let them think I’m weak or anxious” he thought to himself. 

“You are lost in your thoughts again, Severus. I'm starting to worry about you.” Minerva feigned a look of concern, her amusement slipping out with the slight turn of her lips. Severus glared at her annoyed, the ruse was up.  
“I definitely do not plan how to torture your dear Gryffindors.”  
“I would believe you if I didn't know you” , the witch laughed and looked at the small group of first year Gryffindors. After a second her eyes automatically moved to the thin 6th year student. When Minerwa saw the underweight, pale young man her happiness immediately disappeared. “At least spare him this year.”  
Severus was confused for a second but then he realised who she was talking about.  
“Potter”, Severus’ face crinkled in an unpleasant frown.   
“Maybe it's time for you two to bury the past behind you? He suffered enough.”  
“Oh, yes. Mutt's death. How sad.” He wanted to snort but he held it back. He didn't want to discuss Black with Minerva. But he knew that Black was not a good parental figure for Potter. He was irresponsible, childish and aggressive. Potter could think that he knew and loved him but the truth is that he didn't even know much about this man. What was surprising, on his last visits in Grimmauld Place he heard lots of arguments between Black, Potter and Lupin. He had no idea what was their problem but he couldn't help the small spark of happiness knowing that there is some fire in their little heaven.   
“We all suffer” he said finally, more to himself than to Minerwa. He had no idea if he was talking about the war, new school year or sad memories. Maybe about everything in one.  
“You know that this is his last year as a normal student. Albus wants him to have a good time. Potter needs to create happy memories so he remembers what he is fighting for.”  
“Oh, yes, Dumbledore's great plan. Totally foolproof…”

/Harry Potter/

“Harry, eat something please. You look like a corpse!”  
Harry really had enough of this endless whining above his head. He wanted to run from the Great Hall and hide in his bed. His stomach hurt all evening and the last thing he wanted was to eat. Dursleys had been horrible this summer after they heard that Sirius Black was dead. They felt untouchable again. But Harry had no strength or the will to stop their abuse. He didn't want to write to Dumbledore or his friends. Harry accepted every punishment they decided to give him because deep down he knew that he deserved it. Every single night at Privet Drive was full of nightmares. And it wasn't only about Sirius. Harry knew from the fight he had with Remus this summer that Remus blamed him for everything that happened in the Department of Mysteries. He failed the only person who he could have called family. Harry didn't only kill his godfather but he endangered his friends and members of the Order of Phoenix. He was such an idiot. He was not worth the trust that people had in him. He was not worthy of the pity and the support that others offered to him when Sirius died. Summer with the Dursleys was what Harry truly deserved and wanted. Sometimes he sat in his room and thought that it was still not enough. That he should hurt even more. That it is still too good for him. His hands reached then for sharp objects and cut into his hands and legs. Not much, just enough to bleed and heal fast to avoid questions. Just to feel something. Vernon's verbal abuse wasn't enough, and no matter how Harry pushed him, Vernon refused to lay a finger on him. Pain helped him to calm down and sleep. Distracted him from his memories. It was just easier this way. 

Finally he decided that he spent enough time in the Great Hall and after a quiet apology he left the room. He was so stressed that he spent some time vomiting in the loo.  
“Are you sure you are ok? Maybe you should go to Pomfrey?” asked Ron from behind the doors. He sounded concerned. He shouldn't.  
“Yes, I'm ok. It's something I probably ate at Dursleys. You know how they feed me…”  
The words worked like magic. Ron accepted his story and left him alone. Harry sat on a cold floor next to the toilet for a bit longer, heaving and shaking a little. He hoped that being back at Hogwarts would quiet him down and help with his anxiety. But it didn't feel like home anymore. Seeing all these familiar faces only assured him that he doesn't fit anymore. That something died in him and he was not sure that he would ever feel whole again. Maybe it would be easier to just pack and leave? No... They would look for him and probably get hurt or die. Because of him. Again.  
Harry Potter, the boy who brings death.  
He couldn’t sleep that night.

/First Potions/

“I want to remind you that this year you are taking part in Advanced Potions and even if I am still amazed how some of you got in here” his gaze of course ended on Harry Potter. “I still require the best of you. Or even more. Every mistake in this class can be fatal so keep your eyes open! You will work alone. One person for each desk and locker. You will find there components for the day's potion but also a few ingredients-traps that can be very tricky. Be sure that everything you use is fresh unless the receipt says otherwise. Every badly made potion is one step closer to being kicked from this class!”

Harry sighed, this is exactly what he needed, another reason to encourage his anxiety. Now he is going to brew some dangerous potions that could kill him or even worse - someone else. What more could he expect from Snape's lessons?  
The fight with Remus was so stressful for him that he totally forgot about ordering his new books. He looked unsure at his annoyed teacher and took a deep breath raising his hand in the air. When Snape looked at him with an unpleasant smirk he said quietly:  
“I haven't bought a book yet, sir.” he tried to sound as polite as possible, he just wasn't ready for another drama.  
“On the left, in the cupboard you can find some old Potions books. Pick one and go back to your desk, Potter.”  
That was easier than he expected. He went quickly to the cupboard and took the first book that looked very old and worn. He didn't really care since he would buy his books soon. After sitting back at his desk he opened the textbook thinking that maybe this year he can just focus on his lessons like a normal student hoping that troubles will leave him alone this time.  
First page was very yellow and bit crumpled but he still could read the sentence above the title:  
This book is the property of the Half Blood Prince  
“Well, that's interesting” thought Harry, getting back to assignment. He discovered that not only the first page had writing by the previous owner. “Hermione would be horrified seeing that someone dared to write in the book”.   
Don’t crush the wormwood too early, do it just before adding it to the cauldron!  
Harry had no idea why he decided to listen to the Prince’s advice but since he was not an ace in Potions he thought that it was worth a try.   
Do not stir too fast after applying mucus! Let the juices dissolve first.  
The Gryffindor read every note carefully, following steps as best as he could. The potion looked much better than anything he thought he could produce.  
…

The lesson was quiet and accident-less, much to Severus' amazement. Potter was awfully quiet and focused, even more than Granger. It was surprising but also very suspicious. Who knows, maybe mutt's death was all he needed to become a responsible human being? He huffed thinking how long it will take for this damn boy to fuck things up again.

In the meantime Harry did everything the Half Blood Prince suggested, shocked how easy and clear potion making had become. He successfully found every ingredient, checked their quality and carefully chopped specific things. At the end of the class he finished his brew almost perfectly. From what he saw he and Hermione were the only one who did a good job. He looked quickly at Malfoy and his poor excuse of Sleeping Draught. Happy and proud, Harry poured his potion to the vial with his name and went to give it to Snape like everyone in the room. His heart beat fast, scared that somehow Potion Master would know that he cheated. Snape was a master at suppressing his facial expressions but this time Harry catched the magical moment when black brows raised slightly seeing his work. Harry couldn't help but smile. It was the first time he felt truly happy since... Well. He wasn’t even sure since when.   
That was all he needed today. This is how his new friendship with the Half Blood Prince started.

Class had ended 10 minutes ago and Snape still sat behind his desk and looked at the vial with the name he cursed every year. Finally he grabbed the potion and pulled the cork smelling the almost perfect Sleeping Draught. He had absolutely no idea how this brat had made it but no one would convince him that Potter did it all by himself. He could barely make a healing salve last year for Merlin's sake! Potter’s desk was far away from Granger’s and only she was able to make a potion with similar quality. Actually... black eyes narrowed suspiciously, looking at the second vial. Potter's potion was impossibly better.   
Now, Severus Snape had a new goal. He had to find out how Potter acquired these new skills in potion brewing. Severus will find a way to expose him, embarrass Potter in front of his peers and finally be able to kick him out of his class. It was a perfect plan.


	2. Everything he wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I mentioned in the comments, I'm trying to write as fast as possible but it's not my native language and my beta is helping me A LOT. <3   
> That's why I want to ask you for a patience, because works probably will show every 7-10 days to give me and my beta time to discuss the plot and my grammar. :D 
> 
> Thank you for comments, it motivates me and I'm really glad you like my work. :3 I hope you will be happy with this chapter too! Enjoy.

Chapter 2 - Everything he wanted

Last Christmas before the misfortune in the Department of Mysteries, everything Harry ever wanted was so simple. He wanted a space where he could be himself. Not the Boy Who Lived, not the Dursley’s “boy”, not the fake smiling Harry from Gryffindor. Not the savior or little James Potter. He didn’t even know his father. That’s why when Sirius and Remus were chatting happily in Grimmauld Place, commenting how Harry was making them feel that James was still with them, he had enough. 

“I’m not James Potter” he said angrily. Both Marauders looked at him confused. 

“Does it bother you?” asked Remus. “I thought you would be happy to know how similar you are to your father.”

No, he wasn’t. He remembered lessons with Snape, and that awful moment when he looked into his pensieve. Seeing his father bullying another student, looking so much like Malfoy and his bodyguards… It was too much. 

“I’m nothing like my father” he replied quietly. He didn’t want to admit what he did to Snape but he really needed answers. “I… I heard that he was a bully.”

Sirius, until now, was just quietly observing his godson. He saw how much he changed over the year. Less confident and more moody. He guessed it was the age, teenagers dramatics. But something was wrong. 

“Who told you that?” he asked, exchanging glances with Remus. They both knew that only one person could tell Harry such a thing. “Snape?”

Harry’s head went up quickly, he looked almost panicked. 

“Harry… He lied to you. He is a miserable bastard and he will do everything to make you feel sad and angry.” Sirius' words were quiet and cold. Harry knew that his godfather was lying. He actually saw the memories. How could they lie to him like that? Why didn’t they want to explain their childish behavior? 

“So you want to tell me that my father and you did not bully Snape? Laugh at him and make his life at Hogwart a living hell?” he hissed. Tears prickled his eyes. 

The room went quiet. They could hear Weasleys chatting and laughing in the kitchen. Remus was first to break the silence.

“It wasn’t so bad Harry”, he said calmly and Sirius looked at him pleadingly. “We have to tell him Sirius. He is a young man now not a child. He deserves it” he turned to Harry again. “James really liked Lily and Snape was walking around her, telling her bad things about your father. We didn’t want him to separate Lily from James. She was the love of his life.”

Harry raised his brows. That’s it? His mother was the reason? Snape liked his mother? The thought was so uncomfortable and embarrassing. He never thought about his teacher in this way. About his private life and romances… Harry blushed and Sirius didn’t miss that. 

“Ugh, no Harry they were not dating! Do not even think about it! Lily would never date that… thing.”

“ _ Thing? Snape is a bastard yes. But he is still a human being _ ” thought Harry angrily. He felt a sudden need to protect his teacher. Remus realised that Sirius’ words were a bit too harsh for the boy.

“They were just friends. And Lily liked Severus” he said trying to avoid the argument. 

“Liked? Remus please” Sirius smirked ignoring his friend’s glare. “It was a pity. He was weird and mean. No one liked him even in his own house. He didn’t deserve any friends.”

First thing that came to Harry’s mind was Dudley’s words “freak”, “weirdo” that he was screaming every time he saw Harry trying to befriend someone, scaring everyone who dared to smile at him. 

“And you want me to be like him? Like you? I’m not and I never will be like that!” Harry shouted at Sirius, shivering slightly. “I can’t believe that all this time I was proud that people compared me to my father. While he was just some pathetic tormentor jealous of his girlfriend!”

The slap was loud and strong enough to turn Harry’s head. Remus gasped and grabbed his friend’s arm, he wanted to say something but Sirius stopped him with his icy glare only to turn his eyes back to the shocked green ones. Harry couldn’t help it, the tears started to slowly cover his red cheeks.

“Don’t you dare say anything bad about James! You ungrateful little bastard! He was twice a man you are when he was your age!”

Harry touched his burning face and looked unbelievingly at a person who he wanted to be in a family with. He took a step back, his eyes still not leaving the dark haired man. When Harry felt that he was close to the door he hissed “go to hell” and left the room not waiting for their reactions. 

Three months later Harry’s relationship with Sirius and Remus was still strained. Harry didn’t write to them since their last argument. He didn’t want to think about his parents and their past. Harry also avoided Snape at all costs afraid that somehow this bastard will know about the tension between him and Sirius. It was still shocking for Harry that his godfather had hit him.  Until now the only abuse Harry had suffered was at the hands of the Dursleys. Harry didn't even really consider it abuse, but Hermione insisted that refusing to allow someone a meal for any reason was not acceptable behavior. The more Harry compared what happened at Grimmauld to his life with the Dursleys, the more he lapsed into self blame . If both families he technically had treated him badly, maybe he was the reason for it. Harry never heard from his friends that their parents hurt them.

... 

Three months after their argument Harry was back at Grimmauld Place on Easter. After detentions with Umbridge that year he didn’t have any will to fight with people anymore. He stayed mostly in his room making homework and reading books. Everyone saw that the atmosphere between him and Sirius was tense but no one dared to ask them about it.

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Harry asked Mrs Weasley, finishing cleaning after dinner. 

“No, sweetheart. Thank you so much, Ron should follow your example instead of playing chess all day!” she said loud enough for Ron and Hermione to hear. Harry smiled lightly and left the kitchen ignoring the fact that his friend was glaring at him reproachfully. He didn’t really care about it, it wasn’t his fault that Ron was lazy. Their relations were pretty bad this year, Harry still had in mind Ron’s behavior in 4th year and even if they decided to forget about it, he couldn’t help but feel that something is off. Ron was spending a lot of time with Hermione, flirting with her. But everytime they had a chance to chill out together or talk, Ron was either pretending to be dozing or approached other Gryffindors. Harry got used to being ignored by him.

“Harry, can we talk?” Remus looked clearly uncomfortable when he stopped him before his room.

“Of course” Harry replied, opening the door. Sirius was already waiting there, standing near the bed. Harry’s anger was back. “ _ How dare he step into my room without permission? _ ” He tensed even more when he saw what Sirius was holding tightly in his hand. His secret, well hidden copy of Playwizard. He felt his cheeks heat.

“I was taking your stuff to your room today and this fell out from your trunk, can you explain?” his voice was emotionless but it still made Harry nervous. 

“Oh really? You didn’t just rummage my possession to look for something embarrassing? Like a typical bully.” Harry replied angrily, reaching for his magazine. Remus grabbed his shoulder and didn’t let him get closer to the older wizard. 

“It doesn’t matter how we found out. We just want to know why this… paper was in your luggage” explained Lupin. His face was unusually cold. It was a moment Harry realised that being gay wasn’t exactly welcome in the wizarding world. He suspected that for a long time but never really investigated this topic since he didn’t plan to make a coming out before leaving Hogwarts. Harry realized he liked guys in his 3rd year when he started to develop feelings for the 7th year Gryffindor named Paul. Older boy was a handsome brunette with big, dark eyes and a beautiful, kind smile. Harry liked to observe him in their common room but was too shy and too busy with Sirius’ situation to approach the guy. 

He tensed and tried to calm himself, focusing his attention on the magazine his godfather was crushing in his hand.

“I-it’s only some old, silly paper, Fred and George gave it to me as a joke” he said hesitantly. It was partly a truth. Twins were making jokes of him and Ron after they made up in fourth year, they waved this paper above his and Ron’s head imitating kissing noises. Everyone was sure that Harry angrily threw it away but he hid it under his mattress when no one was looking. 

“Harry… Are you gay?” asked directly Remus. It was Harry’s chance. He could lie and pretend nothing happened. They would talk everything over and maybe even forgive each other for the last argument. Sirius would smile at him again and Remus would teach him new spells, everything would go back to normal. “ _ I could have my family back… _ ” he thought. But something inside him didn’t let go. Harry didn’t know why he should be ashamed of his sexual preferences. Ron talked non stop about girls and sometimes it even disgusted him a bit. But he never judged. 

“What if I am?” Harry looked defensively at them. “Is it a crime?”

“A crime? No. It is deviation! You are sick.” Sirius’ voice was like a knife. “James’ son is not gay!” He spat the word “gay” like it was the most disgusting curse in the world. Harry flinched and took a step back. 

“Sirius, calm down. Maybe it is just some teenage phase… You know how hormones can make teenagers do stupid things.”

“It is not a phase!” screamed Harry, shaking from anger and fear. He always hoped that Grimmauld Place would be his new home but now he felt here as unwantedas with the Dursleys. He was a freak again. “Why can’t you just accept me as Harry and not just see me as James’ son?” His voice wavered a bit but he didn’t let himself cry. Not over this. He was so confused and disappointed.

“I think we all should calm down.” Said Remus after a while, looking like he wanted to hug Harry but at the same time unsure if he can. He looked at Sirius, absolutely lost. 

“I really hope that this confusion will disappear after you finally get a girl into your bed.” Sirius hissed, walking out of the room. “ _ Fuck, he took the magazine _ ” was the only thought in Harry’s head. He ignored Remus standing next to him and started to sort out his things in a closet. “ _ Is he waiting until I - what? Apologize? Admit that I am not gay? Well, good luck with that. _ ”

“You know that Sirius cares a lot about you.” 

Harry snorted at Remus’ comment and finally turned to look at him. 

“Does he? Or maybe I am just some poor substitute of James Potter.” He spat the words “James Potter” exactly like Snape used to.  He wasn't proud of his attitude towards James, after all he was still Harry’s father. “And who I am to you, Remus? Am I little James Potter, little Lily or maybe the Chosen One? Oh wait, now I’m just a deviant? Some sad perverted gay?” Harry’s voice raised. He didn’t scream but the doors to his room were left open and this discussion was getting out of the hand. For this short moment he didn’t care how many people would know about his sexual orientation. He wanted to be alone but it still hurt when Remus didn’t even answer his question and left without a word. 

…

Harry’s relationship with Remus only worsened after the events in the Department of Mysteries. After they all went back to Grimmauld Place to heal the wounds and rest, Lupin took Harry to one of the empty bedrooms on the first floor and shut the door.

“How could you be so reckless? After everything that happened before!” Remus screamed at Harry straight away making the younger wizard flinch a bit. “He went there to help you! After everything you did and said he still cared!” 

Harry was shocked to see tears slowly falling from Remus’ eyes. He was still exhausted and numb after the fight and had a really terrible headache. The last thing Harry needed or wanted at that moment was another quarrel. He was aware that it was his fault that Sirius died. But he was still angry at the Order that they didn’t trust him with any information and ignored him when he was telling them that something was wrong. So many people treated Harry like a crazy kid this year. Dumbledore avoided him and Sirius never wrote with any information about the war and Voldemort after his little coming out. 

“I know it is my fault. But you all shouldn’t have ignored me and refuse to inform me about anything.” He said glaring hotly at Remus. 

“Of course you did it all for fucking attention.” Lupin replied mockingly. His face crinkled disgustingly in anger. Harry never saw him in such a state. It scared him because it was close to the full moon. “You did everything for attention. Poor, small Harry. Everyone should look at you and pity you. Guess what, no one gives a shit about your feelings! If they knew that you are a faggot you would be all alone. Every relationship you have with people is based on lies and some stupid belief that you are a savior. But look at you.” Remus gazed over his body and the disgust in his eyes was clear. “Short, skinny, weak and stupid! It is really hard to believe that you are James’ son. He would be so fucking dissapointed in you.”

Harry felt smaller and smaller. He dropped his eyes to the floor and let the words sink into his skin like hot needles. Ugly, pathetic freak. It wasn’t a coincidence that another person saw him like this. Remus was right. His friends didn’t know the real him and they probably wouldn’t accept the real Harry because there was nothing to accept. He tried to stay strong. His hands were shaking and his throat was tight from emotions. Harry wanted to say something, to defend himself but couldn’t utter any words. Thankfully someone saved him from this embarrassing situation and opened the door. 

“Remus can you please go downstairs.” It was Dumbledore. Harry heard Remus leaving the room and closing the door. He didn’t dare to raise his head. “Hello, Harry.” The older man’s voice was kind and calm. It was suspicious because last time they saw each other Harry destroyed his office and screamed at him. 

“Hi.” His voice was so small. “ _ Pathetic. _ ”

“They shouldn’t have let Remus talk with you. He is suffering after losing his dearest friend. Whatever he told you I am sure that he didn’t mean that.” It was nice of Headmaster to try and comfort him but deep down Harry knew that Remus meant every word.

He was only able to say “It’s ok sir”. He pretended to yawn signaling gently that he is ready to go to bed. Albus nodded and smiled lightly at him.

“We all made mistakes. And sadly I’m sure we will make additional mistakes in the future. But we have to believe that it is all part of a bigger plan. You were not the one to take someone’s life. Blame people who cast curses, not the ones who try to save loved ones.” 

No matter how beautifully Dumbledore’s words sounded, they didn’t sink in. They were not even sharp enough to penetrate his skin.

…

Four months later Harry sat on his bed and slowly turned pages of the Half-Blood Prince’s book. He was amazed how many annotations there were. Potions never were a subject that he enjoyed because he couldn’t understand what Snape was saying for most of the time. Everything in the book looked so clear and accessible. He turned the next page and his eyebrows raised.

_ Stay calm, refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person. _

Harry laughed quietly. He was curious about what Prince was angry about and who was so stupid in his opinion. He realised that the more he read the more questions started to create his head. Sometimes Harry even imagined that he was talking with the owner of the book exchanging nasty opinions about other people. 

_ He is validating my inherent mistrust of peers. _

“ _ Because you feel you are better than others? _ ” Harry thought, smiling. He turned the page and almost laughed again.

_ I’ll try being nicer if they will try being smarter. _

There were moments when Harry thought it was like a funnier and more intelligent version of Draco Malfoy but he couldn’t picture Malfoy as someone bright enough to come up with such snarky comments. Also he really liked the person who wrote this stuff. Ron and Hermione were busy with themselves so Harry felt extremely lonely these days. Especially after his last fight with Remus when he truly realized that he has no one to talk to about his sexuality. He tried to find other homosexual students in the school but it was harder than he expected. It looked like it was a taboo in the wizarding world. Harry wondered if Half-Blood Prince was gay. He wasn’t sure where this thought came from but he let it flow through his mind for a second. Was he handsome? Tall? Did he have any other hobby than potions? How old was he right now? There were no dates in the book or any other hints that could help him to find the answer. 

“ _ I am totally losing my mind right now. He can be even Dumbledore’s age for Merlin’s sake! _ ” thought Harry shaking his head and chasing away any new thoughts that came to his mind regarding Prince. 

...

Next day in Potions class a yellowish parchment with a red E landed on his desk. Exceed Expectations from Snape? He smiled to himself trying not to look up at his teacher. The letter was written harshly on the page like the man had a really hard time to give him a positive grade. One of the vertical lines almost made a hole.

“Open your books on page 18.” He heard the low baritone of his professor. Quickly Harry scanned today’s topic: The history of Alchemy. “This year everyone of you will start their own project. It will give you an opportunity to… reveal your potions skills potential.”  It was funny how utterly disgusted Snape sounded while talking about potions skills . Harry was sure that to his professor no one in this class had ANY potential. “ _ Sounds like a challenge _ ” he thought. “The task is so simple everyone here should understand it”  Snape said as he glanced at Harry. “You are to pick one random Alchemical symbol and create a potion based on what it represents.” 

There was a small murmur in the class. Some people were excited to be able to create their own brew, others were panicked that the task seemed very hard. Snape cleared his throat loudly to silence the students.

“I am not asking you to create a practical and interesting potion. I merely request you to show that you are able to think about the base of the potion and it’s ingredients that will work well with each other.” Snape reached for his wand and a small, silver cauldron appeared on his desk. “Come here and draw your symbol. They will be only one per person so do not even think about cheating!” He glanced at Harry again. 

Harry rolled his eyes and walked with his peers to the front of the classroom. Hermione’s symbol was sun. She looked happy with her pick, he was sure that she already had hundreds of ideas what to do with this topic. Now it was his turn. Harry reached for a small crystal ball. He tried not to show that he didn’t recognize this symbol. It looked like a light bulb or a vial turned upside down. He went back to his desk and opened the book on an alchemical chart and groaned quietly. Of course that he would get  _ this _ symbol. 

DEATH.

“ _ What to do with a topic like this? Make a poison? _ ” Against his efforts, the reluctance was visible on his face and Snape didn’t miss that. 

“Is there a problem, Mr. Potter? Sadly I have to inform you that even your fame doesn’t give you a power to exchange your topic with another student. When you picked your ball it appeared on the list next to your name” said Snape, smiling mockingly. Harry glared at him. Suddenly the thought of poison didn't seem so bad anymore.

…

Snape tried not to laugh when he saw what symbol Potter picked. The boy really had bad luck. He heard about his infamous tarot reading and other astrological crap with Trelawney. Death was an ungrateful and hard topic for potions. If Potter didn’t cheat on his first lesson then now it was time to prove it. Of course Snape had no doubts that the boy was a fraud. He knew he was going to enjoy this year. 

After a boring introduction to alchemical symbols and their role in potions, he asked students to make a three page essay about their c hosen sign . He went back to his quarters glad that it was the last lesson today. It was 6pm and dinner had already started but he didn't feel like going to the Great Hall. Snape reached for a cigarette and lit it with his wand. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Enjoying some peace finally, he smoked for a few minutes when a loud knock to the door ruined all the mood. 

“Just one quiet evening, is it really so much to ask for fuck’s sake?” he muttered to himself, standing to rudely welcome whoever dared to disturb his quiet evening. Albus greeted him with a cheerful smile and didn’t wait for an invite. Swiping across the room in his colorful robes he sat on the couch and waved a wand to make tea. 

“I would say ‘make yourself at home’ but I guess it is not needed,” said Snape quietly, sitting next to the older wizard. 

“Now, now, Severus. No need to be so mean. I came to you to ask for a favor.”

Snape fought not to roll his eyes. He didn’t have to guess to know whose name he was going to hear. Bane of his existence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm curious what do you think about Remus?   
> Do you like the alchemy topic?  
> Are you curious about Harry's and Ron's friendship?
> 
> More smoking Snape? :D


	3. What's going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a long break. Both me and beta are pretty busy with stuff before Christmas. :(  
> But thanks to Alex (thank youuu <3) my 3rd chapter was checked and fixed.
> 
> Hope you like it!

“Favor you say” started Snape, taking a drag on his cigarette. “What our dearest Chosen One needs this time?” Sarcasm was dripping from his lips.

Albus took a sip of his tea and sighed. 

“I didn’t want to start any training before his exams but I’m afraid we do not have time anymore.” 

“What do you mean?” Asked Snape suspiciously. It was unusual for Dumbledore to change his plans, unless something unexpected happened. 

“I’m dying.” The words echoed in his chambers, sending a cold chill down Severus’ spine. He knew that he should feel sadness but it was anger that filled his heart in that moment. 

“What? How? What’s wrong? Surely there is a way to-”

“Calm down, Severus. I’m not telling you this asking for a cure. I know there is none. I’m telling you because Harry needs your help to defeat Voldemort.” Dumbledore’s words did nothing to calm Severus down. With a shaking hand he took a drag on his cigarette, which almost burned down due to lack of attention.

“Can you forget for a second of your greatest plans and fate? You just told me that you are going to die without any explanation and I want you to treat me like a human being not another pawn in your chess play with the Dark Lord.” The more words were spitting from his mouth, the more nervous he was. He hated losing control. It was the only thing that was holding him together. And now Albus, again, was tearing it apart with his surprising facts. 

“You are right. I own you more than what I offered. No… You deserve way more than this. But I accepted my role in this war and I need you to do the same, dear boy,” said the older wizard sounding exhausted. He sipped his tea and looked at the fire, completely lost in thoughts. Silence was nice. Even if Severus still didn’t get any information. He finished his cigarette and walked to the fireplace with his back turned to the headmaster. 

“I knew this time would come. I just hoped I would have more time to… Prepare.”

“Time is merciless. That’s why we shouldn’t waste it. I want to introduce Harry to the new lessons, it’s important for him to know a bit more about Tom and Order’s plans. He is mature enough to bear it.” 

Severus wanted to smirk but fought it because he was aware how serious and brutal the time coming for them would be. No matter how much the boy irritated him - they were on the same side. He couldn’t help feeling concern for the young hero though. Potter was clearly distressed by something lately. They needed to be careful to not break him because Snape knew too well how disastrous it could be at such a young age.

…

Harry was sitting in the library alone. It became quite a habit as Ron and Hermione were lately too busy with themselves and other Gryffindors and didn’t really seek his company. He had a feeling that after he quit the Quidditch team and DA classes ended there was nothing else that he had in common with other students. But it’s not like he cared right now. Harry realized he really enjoyed studying. Without Hermione he could do it in his own way and time. No one was breathing behind him, pointing and fixing every mistake. He looked at the alchemical symbol again and sighed. Only Potions left for today. He tried to not think about this task because it felt wrong to even read about it. There was too much death around Harry to make him feel comfortable with this topic. What kind of potion could he make that would be good but still related to his picked symbol? He stood from his desk and went to potions’ sections, checking for any clues. 

“Can I help you, dear?” asked Mrs. Pince, looking at him suspiciously. 

“‘Umm, I’m not sure. Are there any books about death?” He knew why the witch glared at him, everytime a student was interested in such a dark topic someone was getting hurt. Or another dark lord was rising… “It’s for Potions’ homework I promise. I’m looking for any inspiration for the topic I picked.”

“I’m sorry but these kinds of books are not generally available. You need to have permission to look in the Restricted Section.” Mrs. Pince was still suspicious but a little less nervous after his explanation. “Ask Professor Snape for a pass and maybe some book recommendation.”

It would be a great idea if it wasn’t Snape she was talking about. Resigned, he decided that his project had to wait and went outside for a walk. Harry didn’t want to go back to the Common Room, he didn’t feel good there anymore. Everyone had someone to talk to and spend time with but he, after Ron and Hermione started to hang out, was left totally alone. Even Neville seemed to be less friendly with him. Every time Harry stepped into the room he heard whispers stopping, like they were talking about him. At the beginning he thought it’s just his old, stupid paranoia but this argument no longer convinced him. It’s not like they weren’t nice to him. They just looked uncomfortable and uneasy.

Harry stopped near the lake, wind was brushing his face and messing his hair even more. The autumn was pretty warm but windy. He liked it. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath, drawing in moist air. “ _ What if they are like that after what happened in the Department of Mysteries? What if they are afraid of me? _ ” he thought, plunging into sadness.

…

Severus knew that the situation is way more serious than he suspected after following Potter for the whole day. He planned to hand over the headmaster's plans and leave the Gryffindor alone but he had a feeling it would be better to observe him for a while. After all he will soon become this boy’s main mentor so knowing his mental state would be a big advantage.

Potter was spending a lot of time learning which surprised him immensely. He was not playing with his Gryffindor friends and looked like he intentionally avoided them. After doing his homework in the library he left the castle and started to walk around the grounds lost and sad. The last thing Severus wanted to do was babysitting a depressed teenager. Curfew was approaching so now was the best time to get closer to the boy. He sped his walk and stopped right behind the Gryffindor.

“You noticed something interesting in this lake, Potter?” he asked, observing happily as the boy jumps and turns around, holding a hand over his chest. 

“Um… Sir?” Gryffindor replied stupidly, looking confused.

“Come with me” he drawled and turned sharply to the castle, not looking back. No one ever dared to not follow after Potions Master when he ordered to. 

They were walking in silence but he felt Potter’s curious gaze every few minutes. He was glad when they finally entered his office. 

“Sit” he hissed, casting protective spells over the room. When he saw Potter obeyed his order, Snape felt himself relaxing too. “Headmaster asked me to talk with you about something. But it must stay between us.” 

The boy visibly tensed when he mentioned Dumbledore. 

“Is it… Is it about Occlumency?” Potter asked quietly, not meeting his eyes. They both remember well how their lessons ended last year but none of them wanted to talk about it. 

“No. Not exactly.” The short reply got Potter’s attention. He raised his head and looked into black eyes, studying his professor’s emotionless mask.

“So it’s about him.” No one had to say exactly who “he” is. 

“Headmaster thinks that this is a good time for me to introduce you to… let’s say, a more unusual way of surviving.” Severus scowled, seeing that his student didn’t look as scared as he should. Actually he started to look… calm. 

“I understand, sir. I expected something like this after… You know.” The boy still couldn’t talk about his godfather, the events were too raw and painful. However the fact that he accepted Dumbledore’s decision so calmly was surprising. If not a little concerning. 

“I will send you this morning a schedule for the next two months, if you will have any questions regarding them, you will have time to ask me at our first meeting this Saturday at 6pm.” 

Potter was listening quietly, looking at the floor. When Severus stopped talking he finally raised his gaze. 

“Can you write me a pass for the restricted section?” he asked coldly. Severus, completely baffled, raised his eyebrows and sneered down at the boy.

“Why do you need it, Potter? To find more trouble?”

Potter shrugged but didn’t drop his eyes from the black ones.

“I need it for my project. Couldn’t find any inspirations in the library.”

Snape didn’t reply for a moment, thinking about this whole bizarre situation. He wanted to decline just out of spite but after today he wasn’t sure if making Potter’s life any more miserable would be a good idea. Especially if he was to be the first person responsible for this broken teenager. He reached for his pocket but stopped himself. A cigarette would be his savior at the moment but smoking before the student, especially this one, was absolutely inappropriate. He growled quietly and sad behind his desk reaching for a fresh parchment. For a few minutes there was no sound in the room but scribbling of the quill. 

“Here,” Severus said, handing the written permission and another parchment. “I wrote a few suggestions on the topic you are interested in. Don’t think I will help you in any other way, Potter. I already stepped beyond my duties.”

The boy reached for the paper and nodded.

“Thank you, sir. Am I dismissed?”

“Yes. Get out.” 

Black eyes followed the smaller wizard to the oak door. When Severus was alone he took out his cigarettes and smiled to himself. He was proud of his behavior towards Potter. The truth is, he never knew how to act alone with a student. Especially distressed ones. Staying professional was hard, when the first thing he wanted to do was scream at them and throw them out of his office. He wasn’t a nice man and he didn’t like lazy and dumb people. After all, he was not a monster. There was that tiny part of him that was able to feel empathy. Well at least until he wasn’t losing his nerve…

/DADA lesson/

The new professor seemed to be very interested in Harry. It wasn’t something surprising but this time the young wizard felt that he could trust this woman. Professor Blair was a 35 years old witch with long, curly brown hair. Everyone enjoyed her lessons because there was way more practice than in previous years. Harry also liked the classes and his new teacher but he had a hard time actually feeling challenged. That was one of the reasons he didn’t protest when Snape revealed the headmaster's plan. It was shocking but he actually was looking forward to it. No matter how he felt towards Snape, he knew that the man was a spy for many years and had a great knowledge about defense AND dark arts. 

“Mr. Potter?” He heard his name and raised his head sharply, looking at the annoyed face of his teacher. 

“Uh, sorry, ma’am. I wasn’t paying attention.” 

“I can see that. Whatever it is on your mind, please try to forget about it when you are in my class.”

Harry felt his face start to get red. His peers were laughing and whispering to each other. He earnestly anticipated the end of the lesson because he didn’t like the way people were looking at him. What the hell was wrong with students lately? Harry wanted to stand up and scream “what do you want from me?”. Instead he lowered his head and stuck his nose into the book. He felt incredibly lonely at that moment.

/Common room/

“Did you see his face when Blair scolded him?” 

“I bet he was thinking about a cock he sucked last night. He came so late yesterday!”

“Do you think it’s someone from the other house?”

“Probably some nasty Slytherin!”

Harry stopped after walking through the painting and hid behind the wall, didn’t believing what he just heard. Three Gryffindors from the 7th year were chatting with excitement about his… his dates? With a man? 

“I have no idea who would want to date him.” 

“I’m not sure, mate. He is the fucking Chosen One.”

“True, fame and money can bring lots of boys to the yard.”

Harry recognized the voices and evil laughs. David Hayley, Cormac McLaggen and Jason Camden. His palms were sweaty and his body started to tremble with emotions. How did they know about his sexual orientation? The only two people who knew were Remus and Sirius. He never told anyone about it. Does everyone know? Is that why people keep acting so weird around him? The last thing he wanted right now was walk into the room and face the Gryffindors. He wasn’t sure if he could keep himself from crying so he did the first think he could think about. He ran out. 

/Dinner/

Harry pushed the heavy door and stepped into the Great Hall. He tried to ignore the whispers and looks, focusing on sitting in the place, far away from his friends, and the food. It was better when he wasn’t aware what it’s all about. This time he could catch some of the whispers. 

“Faggot.”

“Bloody pervert.”

How could Remus do this to him? He wanted to write a letter to the man but it didn’t really matter. Remus hated him and probably it was one of his revenges for Sirius’ death. 

It was hard to swallow the food. With every minute he was losing his appetite. Then an owl landed next to him and dropped a letter. Glad for the distraction he opened it and read the slanted handwriting of his Potions professor. 

Theory of offensive:

Monday - 6pm - 8pm

Theory of defensive:

Wednesday - 6pm - 8pm

Practice - offensive and defensive:

Tuesday - 6pm - 9pm

Thursday - 6pm - 9pm

Occlumency:

Friday - 5pm - 6pm

Harry swallowed loudly, reading the last part of the schedule. He hoped that this topic would be forgotten. Taking a deep breath, he folded the paper and hid it in his pocket. There was no time for this. He knew that it’s important to make him ready for the fight with Voldemort. He tried to pull himself together, finishing quickly his dinner and standing up. He left the Great Hall not looking at anyone.

/Dinner - High Table/

When the heavy door opened and Potter stepped inside he looked very distressed. Severus observed him when he sat alone, away from his peers. His spy eyes also catched the nasty smiles and looks that were focused on his student. He had no idea what Potter did again to earn such treatment and until now he didn’t care about it. Regretfully he agreed to monitor the boy’s progress and mental state to Dumbledore, after mentioning his unusual behavior. Maybe it was something related to his cheating at Potions. Severus smirked, thinking about the punishment for the cheeky Gryffindor. No one will make a fool out of him in his class. Especially Potter.

/Potions/

“Today we are going to brew  Draught of Peace. I’m sure you are familiar with this potion from your 5th year. That's why I expect that you are going to make it perfectly” hissed Snape, moving between the desks. He spelled the recipes on the blackboard and Harry opened his book checking if there is something important scribbled by Half-Blood Prince. He frowned when he noticed that the changes in the book’s recipes are exactly the same as the ones Snape just spelled. He opened his mouth to ask but closed them quickly realizing how stupid it is. “ _ Does Snape know the Half-Blood Prince? _ ” pondered Harry starting his potion. Next to the recipes there were tips how to not fuck up the brew and he was very glad for the warnings because last time he had done one of these things and ended with a zero. After 30 minutes his draught was almost ready. Harry lowered the flame, reading carefully from the book that this step is essential. He waited for 7 minutes, trying to still look busy to avoid any suspicions. Finally he added hellebore and smiled, seeing how the brew changed the color and started to emit a silvery vapour. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Snape was looking at his cauldron with deadly glare. Harry swallowed and looked at Hermione who still struggled with the potion. “ _ Shit, I finished it first _ ” he thought, starting to panic. Snape got up from his chair and started to walk over towards his stand. “ _ Think about some excuse. Think! _ ” His hands started to shake a little and his mind was telling him to run. 

“Are you sure, you finished, Potter?” murmured Snape, catching attention of the other students. Everyone looked at Harry. 

“Yes, sir” he replied politely hoping that this will ease the situation.

“And you are convinced that this potion is flawless, yes?” Snape asked again and even when Harry was absolutely sure that he did everything well, he started to hesitate. He looked again at his draught - it was almost pure white with a silvery smoke hovered over his cauldron. 

“I did the best that I could,” he finally said, looking back into black eyes. 

“Drink it,” hissed Snape. Students started to gasp and whisper to each other. 

“But sir, it is dangerous. Even smallest mistake can be deadly-”

“I did not ask you for your opinion, Miss Granger. 10 points from Gryffindor.”

Hermione blushed furiously but still looked at her friend with concern. Harry realized how much he missed their talks and companionship. He gulped and took the spoon, scooping up a potion. There was an absolute silence in the classroom. Harry drank his brew and waited for the effects. After a few minutes the tension dropped. He smiled and started to feel so bloody good. The state of relaxation was amazing and Harry was sure that it was the best he felt for months. If not years. Reminding himself where he is, he tried to focus and looked again at his professor. 

“I guess it worked,” he mumbled. 

“I guess it worked, SIR,” corrected Snape.

“There is no need to call me “sir”, professor,” smiled Harry. Someone snickered behind him but he wasn’t sure why. Should he care? Should he be intimidated by his teacher? 

“Potter! 20 points from Gryffindor for disrespect! Now go back to work everyone, I want to see perfect Draughts of Peace on my desk from each of you” Snape snarled, turning aggressively and sitting down behind his desk.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Severus is a virgin. Yes for me it doesn't sound weird at all considering his past.


End file.
